Male Friendship: Moving from Enjoyable to Resourceful
While waiting to meet a friend of mine at a local coffee shop I noticed two women who also appeared to be friends, sitting together on a sofa. One had her legs curled under her, facing her friend, sharing very personal details about her life. The other woman was deeply engaged in what her friend was saying, periodically touching her friend's arm as a sign she was connecting with her story. As I observed them I thought to myself, what if my friend and I sat together on the sofa and interacted with each other in the same way? What would people do? I suggested the idea to my friend, if only just to see what reaction we’d get from others. Needless to say, he was not willing to cooperate with my experiment. And if he had agreed, I wouldn’t have followed through anyway.
Socially acceptable body language aside, it has intrigued me for decades as to why it seems easier for many women to be less inhibited and more comfortably honest with each other in friendships than it does for men. There are a multitude of explanations for this, societally, culturally, and organically. But regardless of the reasons, research clearly indicates women have a higher level of openness and trust in their friendships with each other than do men. Studies also consistently indicate that the level of depth and perceived closeness in female friendships is higher than in male friendships. And studies also indicate men often feel a high degree of loneliness and isolation.
Some will disagree, but guys, in the quietness of your own thoughts ask yourself, “How many people really know and genuinely show concern about what’s going on in my life? How many people do I believe would completely accept me if they knew the sins I struggled with in my private thoughts and actions. Who could listen to the inner stresses and fears I have over my family responsibilities, work responsibilities, along with my self-doubt, and still respect me? And how many people do I relate to in this way?” I hope many of you can give a hearty affirmation to all of these. But studies show most men can’t.
Most men I know want resourceful friendships. We want friends who are loyal to us, even in full knowledge or our sins and failings. And this is God’s will for us. Proverbs 18:24 says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Jesus was clear that as his relationship with his disciples developed, they were more than his followers; they were his friends. “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.” (Jn 15:15). Jesus clearly says that a sign of their status as his friend was affirmed because he disclosed very personal and valuable things to them.
And yet this type of friendship eludes many of us. It’s not possible to give a one-size-fits-all prescription as to what best characterizes a male friendship. There are so many different opinions, and friendships are affected by personalities, life circumstances, and much more. But all men need friendships characterized by the following:
Resourcefulness – it’s possible to be in friendship with people, with whom I have things in common, experience mutual enjoyment, and feel comfortable, but not necessarily have it be resourceful. We also need to be challenged to embrace the power of the gospel to push past our fears, apathy, insecurities, pride, and self-doubt. A good friend helps to remind us not to think too highly of ourselves when we’re acting arrogantly and elevating ourselves above others. And he also challenges us to step out in faith when our doubts and fears are hindering us from living courageously. Christ loves us enough to not let us stay the way we are; a good friend does the same. Guys, many of us need to move our friendships from enjoyable to resourceful, and to do that we have to give each other access to these parts of our lives. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” (Prov. 27:17)
Respect – There are a lot of ways to define respect. But in the context of friendship it means to consistently affirm and treat someone with value, dignity, and honor as a fellow image-bearer of God. This is irrespective of a man’s accomplishments or reputation, which is more celebrated through admiration. But I can admire someone’s talents, character, and accomplishments distantly, but never be their friend. In resourceful friendship, I respect someone by treating him with worth regardless of his failures and successes, as well as his sins or obedience. That doesn’t mean I avoid challenging or confronting my friend when he needs it. That’s the modern cultural concept of tolerance, which is nowhere to be found in scripture and leads to weakening the body of Christ because it weakens individuals. Instead, the Lord calls us to acceptance, “Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God” (Rom. 15:5) When my friend reveals his sin to me, I fight the temptation to hold myself distant from him, I don’t deem his sin to be worse than my own, even if it’s consequences are deeper and broader. I accept him by staying actively involved in the friendship, rather than pulling away from him – that’s respect.
Risk – Unlike most female friendships, to reach a resourceful level of depth in a male friendship somebody has to “jump first.” Regardless of the reasons, it is difficult for most men to initiate disclosure about personal things in a friendship. Again, men want to be respected. The threat of losing the respect of another is often more powerful than the perceived benefits that may come from opening up about myself. But this leaves us treating each other with distant friendliness, and that results in friendships that are pleasant on the surface, but shallow in resourcefulness. Once, two friends of mine exchanged pleasantries in the hallway of a church, asking about each other’s families with smiles and attentiveness. As they parted to go, one called out to the other, “I wonder how many years of interacting like this it will take before wereally know each other.” The answer is that it can go on forever without truly being a resourceful friendship, and many times that’s exactly what happens.
Trust is a crucial component when taking risks in friendship. If I’m going to open up about my life, I need the assurance that whatever I share with you is held in strict confidence. But even with that assurance, we’re not always willing to risk opening up about the challenges of our lives, and some of our doubts and insecurities we have in meeting them. In my earlier years of deciding to take risks opening up, I would be surprised by the response. Rather than being rejected for what I disclosed, I found the opposite to be true – men felt more at ease, opened up about themselves, and a resourceful friendship dynamic began. This is the gospel alive in our friendships. “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Rom. 8:1). If Christ does not condemn me and shun me in response to my sin, failures, and weaknesses, then I have no right to do that to someone else when he risks opening up to me. If Christ creates an environment of openness in my relationship with him, then I am called by God to do the same in my friendships.
If those are some stepping stones to friendship, what are some of the hindrances which get in the way for men?
Pride – We often equate arrogance with pride, but arrogance is merely one kind of manifestation of pride. Pride is primarily basing my sense of worth on myself, and then comparing that perception of myself to my perception of others. So if I’m focused in on how well I do at work or not, how well spoken I am or not, what my reputation is, how athletic I am, what I look like, how much money I make, AND I feel confident in my assessment, it will manifest itself in the arrogant form of pride. I consider myself outperforming others, even if only slightly, and I can rest in my arrogance. On the other hand, if I focus in on these same things and believe I’m inferior to others in those areas, I will feel another form of pride – insecurity. And if I feel insecure, I will withdraw or hide my true self from others. Pride is a hindrance to resourceful relationships because if I have to inwardly compete with you to feel secure about myself, then it makes it impossible for me to open up to you about my weaknesses, sins, and failures. Whether arrogant or insecure, I’m living from my heart in such a way that compels me to look within and to others for a sense of well-being. I’m unable to risk losing what I think I have, or having you think I don’t have it.
Shame – Shame and guilt certainly overlap in their effect upon us. If you knew something about me I would rather keep hidden, would you and others think less of me and lose respect for me? Would I forever be thought of as the one who commits a certain sin, and then lose respect and be shunned my others? It’s obvious how we let shame (or the fear of it) isolate us from risking resourceful friendships. But it’s time to strike a blow against shame.
Ladies, guys feel the threat of shame in their relationship with you, as well. Well- known author and speaker on the subject of shame, Brene Brown, recently said in an interview, “The number one shame trigger for men is being perceived as weak. Men walk this tightrope where any sign of weakness elicits shame, and so they're afraid to make themselves vulnerable for fear of looking weak. Women can either embrace and help men walk across the tightrope, or we can be the ones who push them off . . . The story I tell that gets the biggest reaction from the guys in my audiences is when a man approached me after a lecture I gave on shame to say, ‘My wife and daughters…they'd rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real, but c'mon. You can't stand it. It makes you sick to see us like that.’ Men are smart. They hear us asking for their vulnerability, but are also very aware that we may act scared or resentful when they show their vulnerable side. You wouldn't believe how often men tell me, ‘I pretend to be vulnerable, but I keep it under control,’ or ‘I give her enough to believe I'm being open because if I were totally truthful about how afraid or out of control I feel, she would judge me.’ It's important to encourage your (husband) to be vulnerable, and then to respond with respect and gratitude when he does.”
Men, we often do the same thing with each other in our interaction as friends. Many times I’ve been a part of a group where one man risks opening up about a weakness or sin, and one or more shame him by mocking him or keeping silent. It doesn’t matter if the “trash talk” is in jest, because the effect on the person who risks opening up is the same.
In conclusion, let’s be honest about something guys. Many of us have been to a lot of inspirational talks and seminars that exhort us to act like men, ratchet up our efforts to be responsible, and exhort us to press on in the midst of trials and challenges. We need to be inspired, but inspiration and passion alone will not sustain us to meet the challenges we face in life, especially if it merely stirs up worldly self-reliance rather than utter reliance upon Christ, and interdependence on the body of believers. Yes, the Scriptures do challenge us to be courageous in the face of intense difficulty, to shepherd those in our care with diligence and compassion, and to provide for our family members with sacrifice. But we cannot do this on our own. Nobody can actually beat up the continent of Europe single-handedly while attempting to rescue his daughter. But more importantly, no man can and should face the challenges of his life without the encouragement, mutual trust, exhortation, and acceptance from like-minded brothers in Christ – “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:15)